Cameron, Clegg, Milliband and Farage: who will win Wacky Races?

Wacky Races
Wacky Races
Welcome to the last leg of the UK General Election Wacky Races! I am your host, commentator and reporter; Pedro Diamond.

Pedro Diamond: The last race was won by David Caravan when Ed Millipede crashed out while in the lead with grip problems. Here’s an interview I did with Ed earlier:

Ed Millipede: Yes Pedro; I had the wrong rubber on my brogues! The crowd were good and encouraged me so I managed to catch it before I hit the black stuff! It’s always difficult to choose the right rubber when the conditions are changeable. Dunlop have been great support, giving three different choices, but I understand David Caravan was on the hard compound on the day so he had an advantage. Lesson learned!

Pedro Diamond: All contestants are neck and neck as we come to the close of this competition. Only a few more days to go in this long-distance race. One thing that has got the crowd excited and commentators talking is the introduction of a new fuel; Liquid Intellectual Energy or LIE. Using the fuel is known as LIEING. It’s use is controversial but in a moment, you will hear the views of the four leading drivers on the new fuel.

My tip for the winner? I believe it will be a photo-finish and the final result a matter of who has the deepest Political Wallet.

Now to the LIEING interviews:

Nigel Mirage
Nigel Mirage
Pedro Diamond: Nigel Mirage; the new fuel, LIE, is boosting all the competitors’ performances. We believe you are using it too. Are you?

Nigel Mirage: No Pedro, we won’t be LIEING. We don’t need it! Our car is faster, stronger and more reliable than all the others.

Pedro Diamond: But you have repainted your car completely white? Can you explain this to the Wacky Races fans?

Nigel Mirage: That’s not true. In fact, if you look under the hood, you will see that the top of each carburetor of my old Austin Mini is blue.

Pedro Diamond: A car designed by an Italian.

Nigel Mirage: Well yes, the Italians do some things really rather well. I am very fond of a good Chianti.

Pedro Diamond: So the car colour has nothing to do with your racial views?

Nigel Mirage: I don’t have any racial views. I merely want to win this race and restore the country to the good ‘ol days of a Free Market Economy and Empire!

Pedro Diamond: Thank you Nigel. Now over to Nick Pleb. Nick, what will be your main tactic to get over the line first?

Nick Pleb
Nick Pleb
Nick Pleb Red lines Pedro. I have red lines on my gauges and I will not red line my vehicle anywhere. I am a great believer in sticking within red lines.

Pedro Diamond: But that’s not true, is it Nick? You have red-lined in every race so far. In the very first round, you crossed the red-line with your new Tuition Fees engine and blew up, costing you most of your fans.

Nick Pleb: Who needs fans? I only need to win. I don’t care any more what it takes. In fact, I don’t care any more about anything! There was a mouse. Where? There on the stair…

Pedro Diamond: Right Nick, but are you going to be LYING?

Nick Pleb: Oh sure. I guess. Everyone else is. In fact you can take my comment about red lines as a complete load of cobblers. Wasn’t there a cobbler in the mouse story? Or something like that. There’ll always be an England…

Pedro Diamond: Now let’s see if we can grab a chat with David Caravan. I can see the umbrella girls are starting to leave the starting grid, including Rebekah Brooks, who is wearing a rather fetching blue bikini. Oh look; she is whispering something into David’s ear, something about the Sun newspaper, if my lip-reading is up to scratch. Better not interrupt them. She’s going now so let’s move in. David? Can I have a word? You look rather busy.

David Caravan
David Caravan
David Caravan: Yeah Pedro, too many women, not enough time. Oops, should have said that with the wife around. Boris is much better at this sort of thing that me.

Pedro Diamond: Can I ask you what your main tactic to win will be?

David Caravan: Well, I think I have been rather clever. George Osborne is obviously finished; the little tike has really screwed up the economy good and proper, hasn’t he? I understand he is going to start a Magic Mushroom farm in Buckinghamshire with his father’s money. Not that he needs it after siphoning off most of the Country’s! Ha! Ha! Yes, as I was saying, announcing Big Bore Boris as my successor is one of the cleverest moves of my political life. I have zero charisma compared with him but now I have harnessed his to take me back into power for another 5 years.

Pedro Diamond: But wasn’t the announcement at his behest?

David Caravan: Behest is an interesting choice of word. But no, I would say I have outmanoeuvred him this time. Sort of like a double-agent.

Pedro Diamond: And what about LIEING?

David Caravan: Erm… we may be using the new fuel but I can’t really say on-camera. That would be giving too much away. Let’s just say; I will be economical with the truth. It’s better on the riff-raff, sorry, working classes; they are really not well-educated enough to think for themselves. It’s really not their fault…

Pedro Diamond: Some would say it’s yours.

David Caravan: Pedro. You are such a wit. Can I introduce you to Rebekah later? She is doing a wonderful line is gossipy Luncheon Vouchers…

Pedro Diamond: Well, I managed to pull myself away from David and we have one last grid slot to visit; pole position sitter Ed Millipede. Ed, can I have a word?

Ed Millipede
Ed Millipede
Ed Millipede: Bit busy Pedro, but okay, just a few words.

Pedro Diamond: So are you LIEING Ed?

Ed Millipede: It’s a relief to come right out with it and say; yes, I will be LYING. We will not be playing tag with other teams, using their slipstream to win but we have bribed a judge to allow us to amalgamate out team with another during the race so that our accumulated points will make us the sure winners! Genius!

Pedro Diamond: Do you care to tell us what that team is?

Ed Millipede: That’s a secret, as you probably guess Pedro. Let’s just say that my teammate, Gordon Brown, wants revenge and I intend to give it to him!

So the 4 competitors are under starter’s orders. And away they go! On the way-out Wacky Races!

Cameron, Clegg, Milliband and Farage Treat Worlds Like Dust

Part 2 of my 2015 Election Wacky Races. Part 1 is here.

This week, with Ed Millipede, amazingly, one point in the lead, the four front-runners take a pit stop and take part in Question Time.

David Caravan
David Caravan

Question Time with Jonathan Dimbleby this week is from King’s College Hospital London and we are discussing the way the NHS has changed under the present Conservative Government; in particular how cuts are affecting the health of patients. We are very lucky to have with us all the current main four Party leaders.

And first I would like to go to David Caravan and ask him whether he thinks his Party’s cuts have gone too far.

David Caravan: Actually, no, I don’t think they have. While I do see, of course, that the tightening of our medical belts – or is that gastric belts, ha! ha! – might represent a challenge to the 20 million odd OAPs, who we are planning to ban from the NHS – oo sorry, George told me not to tell you that – I don’t think for most hard-working people with two legs and two arms, it is a problem. You can still cut off the head of the beast, the NHS beast, and have it function normally. In fact, that is half the problem. It is like a Cerberus. You just can’t kill it! In fact, I think there might be an argument, if the research were done and if it proved feasible, and if trials on children are successful, that we might envisage a situation where working people – patients – might actually not need their heads any more, as such. (Holds his hands up). Now, I know what you are thinking. But a simple medical procedure to painlessly remove the said thinking container would be simple, cheap and effective. There would no longer be a need to feed patients, and the Workers – sorry the hard-workers of this Country, won’t need to think anymore. Indeed, they won’t be able to. This will make Politics and Ruling the Country a whole lot simpler.

Nick Pleb
Nick Pleb

Jonathan Dimbleby: Thank you David. A controversial view, I expect. Now to Nick Clegg. Nick?

Nick Pleb: Does anybody remember Windmill in Old Amsterdam by Max Bygraves? ‘I saw a mouse. Where? There on the stair…’ Ah those were the good times… I sometimes wish we could return to the times when things were simple. When I could go to bed at night with a dry handkerchief. Lord knows, my laundry bill is an Expenses scandal. As are my wife’s therapist charges! Now, if I were a politician… Oh, I am. Damn.

Jonathan Dimbleby: Nick? Is that it? Okay, now to Ed:

Ed Millipede
Ed Millipede

Ed Millipede: Thank you Jonathan. I, too, suggest deep and sweeping reforms of the NHS. Only last week, I was visiting one of my distant relatives in Leeds Infirmary when I saw a nurse telling a male patient of mature years that he would have to pay extra for something she called a bit of ‘slap and tickle.’ Now, I’m not sure what that is exactly but when I was a wee lad on the moors of… Primrose Hill, we talked about ‘bubble and squeak’ all the time and if it’s anything like that, then I don’t see why anybody should have to pay extra. I told my wife this the other day and she nearly choked on her Brussels sprouts. Any man, or woman, of any age, who wants to vary their NHS diet shouldn’t have to pay extra for it, unless of course it’s caviar. No. And another thing, why should thermometers be calibrated in Centigrades? This is meaningless to our friends from the United States of American, Bahamas, Belize and the Cayman Islands. It’s a nonsense. No, BIG IDEAS for a BIG SHINY NEW NHS! That is what I want!

Jonathan Dimbleby: Thank you Ed. Now, lastly, but not least, over to Nigel:

Nigel Mirage
Nigel Mirage

Nigel Mirage: Thank you Jonathan. I would like to pick up on two of Ed’s points. First, he makes a very good point about Brussels Sprouts, although he does rather miss the nuance of what the patient wanted. I propose that all NHS menu’s should be swept clean of anything that smacks of Foreign Lands. I have nothing against such places, we all need them for two weeks each year, when we want to lie on beaches or walk the dusty markets of places like Cairo or Dubai. I am not against the odd bargain goatskin purse or hand-tooled ivory cigar lighter. I don’t even mind German beer, once in a while. But we should not allow anything like Brussels sprouts, Piri Piri Chicken, samosas, guacamole or bananas. The only fruit eaten in our house is Cox’s Pippin apples and Kent-grown strawberries. If I had my way, we wouldn’t even have Yorkshire Pudding. Quite apart from the fact that the pudding was probably originally French, Yorkshire is too… foreign for my liking! Good gracious me, look at all the cavorting that went on in Wuthering Heights, that book by a local heathen girl! Mind you, there were some nice wines drunk by Heathcliff, if I remember correctly… No, ban Yorkshire and probably Norfolk as well, Cut them off and let them drift away.

Jonathan Dimbleby: And what about your Huguenot ancestors, Nigel? They were French. So you are partly French.

Nigel Mirage: My wife is German. And that’s why I make her pay one third of my taxes for me. I have my own private way of punishing myself. I can’t speak about it openly but it involves very tight garters and prohibition, once per week for two hours.

Jonathan Dimbleby: Thank you all very much. And to our audience, good night!