The Jesus Monster (also known as The Quiet)
I spent the last week developing a film script submission to Greenlight Coverage for my 2008 short story The Jesus Monster. I was permitted two submissions, so I submitted a rough draft first and then tweaked it according to Greenlight’s feedback. Unfortunately, using their own suggestions meant the second score was much lower. The final score for the first submission is below, but I will not continue with Greenlight. I will continue to improve the screenplay according to my own instincts.
I might submit to The Black List, a script reviewing system directly plugged into the movie industry. There are some big projects in the pipeline, so email me using the contact options on the About me page for serious enquiries or copies of the film script.
Watch this space!
The Jesus Monster is free as part of Inchoate: (Short Stories Volume I). Go to its dedicated page using the menu for links.
Please Note: The Jesus Monster deals with difficult and complex subject matter. I only discovered after submission to Greenlight that their reviewer is AI. The score below seems to reflect the difficulty an AI has inferring virus and human behaviours from subtle clues. I am sure the screenplay will receive a higher score from a human reviewer.
Greelight Criteria
Originality, Character Development, Plot Construction, Dialogue, Emotional Engagement, and Theme/Message.
Greenlight Scores
Overall score – 77%
Verdict – Consider
It made me smile that in the recommended casting choices was Chris Hemsworth for Ken (the brother).
| Criteria | Score (out of 10) | Comments |
| Originality | 7.5 | The central concept—a virus that feeds on altruistic thought and can only be defeated through evil acts—is genuinely inventive and philosophically provocative. |
| Plot Construction | 6.0 | The story follows a clear three-act structure: arrival of the virus news, community breakdown, and Ken’s final desperate act to save Samantha. |
| Dialogue | 5.0 | The dialogue serves its functional purpose and occasionally captures authentic Australian/Aboriginal speech patterns (“ay,” “gubba,” “brothas”). |
| Character Development | 5.5 | Ken is the most developed character, with his “fixer” trait consistently explored and challenged throughout. |
| Emotional Engagement | 6.0 | Gemima’s death scene is genuinely moving, and Ken’s helplessness throughout creates sustained pathos. |
| Theme and Message | 6.5 | The screenplay wrestles with substantial themes: the paradox of goodness becoming destructive, the limits of “fixing” others, community versus individual survival, and the nature of sacrifice. |
| Overall Rating | 6.2 | This screenplay presents a genuinely original premise with strong thematic ambitions set in an underrepresented community, |
Synopsis
When a deadly virus called UO12 sweeps the world, killing nearly all of humanity by compelling infected people toward self-sacrificial euphoria until they die, a priest and his companion Ed steal a plane and crash-land near the remote Australian outback village of Kintore, where a small Aboriginal community struggles to survive. The priest, near death, warns the villagers about the virus before dying by his own hand. As the infection spreads through Kintore, the community fractures — a power struggle erupts, people die by violence and self-destruction, and one by one the villagers succumb.
Occult, Sci-fi & Military 