The Jesus Monster (also known as The Quiet)

I spent the last week developing a film script submission to Greenlight Coverage for my 2008 short story The Jesus Monster. I was permitted two submissions, so I submitted a rough draft first and then tweaked it according to Greenlight’s feedback. Unfortunately, using their own suggestions meant the second score was much lower.

This new screen play was submitted to Greenlight Coverage first (see lower down), then The Black List, (much fussier) and received the scores below.

The Jesus Monster is free as part of Inchoate: (Short Stories Volume I). Go to its dedicated page using the menu for links.

The Black List

The Black List, based in California, has close ties with Hollywood and is one of the fussiest in their reviews, for which they charge $100 on top of a monthly subscription of $30 necessary to prepare the listing. With each evaluation comes these statements:

“An evaluation is not a verdict on whether or not your project is “good.” Black List evaluations are meant to approximate the type of feedback a project would get if it was cold-submitted to agencies, production offices, or book agents in its current form.

The majority of projects on The Black List have an overall score that falls within the 5-6 range. Given the high standards for material in the market, and the general quality of projects hosted on our website, this is not surprising.

To be clear, a score of 5 or 6 in The Black List ecosystem is quite strong: it indicates the reader sees technical competence and some promising elements. Our industry members are familiar with the high bar for material on our site and understand the quality that a 5 or 6 represents.”

Despite their assurance that an overall rating of 6 is still good, I was hoping for more. The human reviewers don’t break down weaknesses and strengths, which is disappointing for the price, and crucially, this makes it impossible for me to know whether the reviewer fully understood the nature of the virus and therefore the core of the story. A score of 7 for the premise effectively means they rate the story’s originality highly, but I hoped for a score of 8. Apparently, this is very hard to achieve, and many members report spending many hundreds of dollars revising scripts without getting such a score. Some even report getting lower scores after updating, so I won’t be updating my script any further unless there is interest from a production company. It has, however, been a very productive learning exercise in perparation for a much bigger project, and I will continue to list the script on a free platform for industry specialists to find (details to follow).

The Black List Criteria and Scores

Criteria	Overall	Premise	Plot	Character	Dialogue	Setting
Score	6	7	6	6	7	7

The Black List reviewers don’t break down the review by criteria, so I have reproduced the rest of the report exactly as they give it.

Strengths	The simmering tension and ingenuity behind films like A QUIET PLACE are elevated, in this script, with the fascinating, thought-provoking approach of BLINDNESS. The rural village where Ken, sister Samantha, and the other townspeople live leaps off the page with a palpable presence, from the tin shacks and concrete block houses that serve as a backdrop to their lives, and the small pleasures of a town football match and beer that get them through the day, to the increasingly bleak reality that they face amid dwindling food, exhausted alcohol and antibiotic supplies, and the daunting remoteness of their desert surroundings. Facing a virus truly terrifying in its surprising and novel qualities – driving accidental deaths, murders, and acts of attempted altruism that lead to disastrous consequences – the group veers toward an even more frightening unraveling, as divisions, tribalism, and a fight for survival serve as the kindling for an almost LORD OF THE FLIES-style reckoning with power, authority, and mortality. Small details and moments – Ken attempting to comfort young Gemima by making zoo animals out of cereal packets – crystallize the breathtaking vision in this unforgettable thriller.
Weaknesses	It might be interesting to consider whether there could be opportunities to build, through Ken’s perspective and those of the other townspeople, a few more elements of active agency or intentionality, as a vehicle to bring just that much more focus and direction. Ken’s efforts to repair the radio, and his work with the plane, bring a degree of determination to him, and in addition to them and to Samantha’s research, any avenues to follow them toward more surprising revelations about the disease, hints or oblique communiqués regarding other possible survivors beyond the boom that Ken hears on the radio, or a greater nexus forming around some of the fundamental power conflicts involving Dunne, Sissons, and the other divisions in town might further sharpen the central pillars of the story. At times, playing out a few of the more pivotal moments – some of the discoveries that Ken makes in the priest’s journal; the man who attempts to stab Samantha; the fight between the two factions – might allow them to show rather than telling more information, and breathe a little longer as action. Initially spending a little more time with Ken and the town in their status quo in the first act could also build on the bond with them and their arcs.
Prospects	This script deserves credit for crafting a setup that begins with a classic pandemic premise and then takes it in a refreshingly original direction, playing out a combination of horror, thriller, and character drama components that combine to offer something truly unique and different. The backdrop of Kintore becomes in many respects a character in and of itself, contributing to a vibrant, almost MAD MAX bleakness and visual style that will even further distinguish the film. Ken offers an opportunity for a diverse, standout leading performance, from a talent perspective, while, from Samantha to Sissons to Ozzie, Dunne, Gemima, and the rest of the supporting cast, there is an entire ensemble of similarly dynamic roles. While potentially considering opportunities to lean even further into some of the grounding back stories and more focused goals and objectives, in places, might only build on its appeal, it feels as though a film like this one could make a splash within its genre, and potentially even serve as the basis for a new franchise in the vein of predecessors like 28 DAYS LATER and A QUIET PLACE.

Greenlight Coverage

Please Note: The Jesus Monster deals with difficult and complex subject matter. I only discovered after submission to Greenlight that their reviewer is AI. The score below seems to reflect the difficulty an AI has inferring virus and human behaviours from subtle clues. I am sure the screenplay will receive a higher score from a human reviewer.

Greelight Criteria

Originality, Character Development, Plot Construction, Dialogue, Emotional Engagement, and Theme/Message.

Greenlight Scores

Overall score – 77%

Verdict – Consider

It made me smile that in the recommended casting choices was Chris Hemsworth for Ken (the brother).

Criteria	Score (out of 10)	Comments
Originality	7.5	The central concept—a virus that feeds on altruistic thought and can only be defeated through evil acts—is genuinely inventive and philosophically provocative.
Plot Construction	6.0	The story follows a clear three-act structure: arrival of the virus news, community breakdown, and Ken’s final desperate act to save Samantha.
Dialogue	5.0	The dialogue serves its functional purpose and occasionally captures authentic Australian/Aboriginal speech patterns (“ay,” “gubba,” “brothas”).
Character Development	5.5	Ken is the most developed character, with his “fixer” trait consistently explored and challenged throughout.
Emotional Engagement	6.0	Gemima’s death scene is genuinely moving, and Ken’s helplessness throughout creates sustained pathos.
Theme and Message	6.5	The screenplay wrestles with substantial themes: the paradox of goodness becoming destructive, the limits of “fixing” others, community versus individual survival, and the nature of sacrifice.
Overall Rating	6.2	This screenplay presents a genuinely original premise with strong thematic ambitions set in an underrepresented community,

Synopsis

When a deadly virus called UO12 sweeps the world, killing nearly all of humanity by compelling infected people toward self-sacrificial euphoria until they die, a priest and his companion Ed steal a plane and crash-land near the remote Australian outback village of Kintore, where a small Aboriginal community struggles to survive. The priest, near death, warns the villagers about the virus before dying by his own hand. As the infection spreads through Kintore, the community fractures — a power struggle erupts, people die by violence and self-destruction, and one by one the villagers succumb.